The Second Time Around

Seriously…. It feels like it’s been seven years, give or take, since we performed I Remember Justine.  But really, it’s only been eight months.  A lot has changed.  I have changed.  My recovery has changed.  Now, we are in the midst of rehearsing another play, Twin Falls, to give to the world our views of recovery and post-treatment transition into the “real world.”  And honestly, everything seems vastly different since I Remember Justine.  Everything except for the presence of group strength, courage, and colour-pencils-450621_640unbelievable creativity.   Let me fill you in on a little secret: take a handful of kind-hearted, strong adults that have been through so much their entire lives, put them into a room with an incredible drama therapist (some names that come to the top of my mind include Laura Wood and Dave Mowers for example), and what transpires is a powerhouse of near-tangible energy that becomes molded into a beautiful and vibrant collage of courage, strength, creativity, and wonder from the human mind.

I was asked my thoughts and feelings about the switch from Mateo, the main character in I Remember Justine, to more supportive roles in Twin Falls, while witnessing the growth of others in our current project.  I would be lying if I told you I didn’t feel at first a slight tinge of jealousy!  The cloud nine high I rode after the last performance was otherworldly!  But as Dave and Laura had expressed in our weekend intensive rehearsals, with progressing from the work in the first project, it was now time to allow others to take center stage.  My prior cast mate and I, both now participating in round two of Laura’s research, would become the parental figures or mentors to a new group of cast as they learn the process of Recovery Through Performance as well as their expressive capabilities on stage.  I realized I was now fulfilling a different capacity for the project.  As such, this was a different kind of joy I was feeling.

theater-105574_1280I am witnessing the growth, spirit, and strength of new and old friends during my second participation.  And honestly, I wouldn’t change it for the world.  I’m now able to see other side of the equation with Twin Falls.  Before, I was constantly on my feet rehearsing lines, sculpting the character, creating vivid back stories, figuring out what emotions I’m trying to embody and the elicit from others.  Now, I get to observe other main characters as they rehearse and explore their boundaries with acting and expressing their roles.  Holding that energy and being there for support is extremely gratifying and  honoring.  And yes, it’s still hard as hell rehearsing the supportive roles I play!  But being able to witness the other group members acting extremely powerful and emotional roles is incredible.  I have already been laughing, grieving, smiling, surprised, and saddened just watching the rehearsals!  I can only imagine what I will be feeling during the next couple weeks going forward including the live performance.

Our pace has been very quick as we are working with a very tight schedule.  Rehearsing twice a week is actually better for me as I am able to fully immerse myself into the processangel-348951_640 without getting behind due to stagnation or losing the energy that was produced from the prior rehearsal.  Last time, we were together once a week up until the last few weeks prior to performance when the meetings became more regular.  My mind believes we just started rehearsals for Twin Falls but yet we go live in less than three weeks!  Even though the timeline for I Remember Justine was much longer, I remember it ending too soon because I just wanted to keep performing and seeing the close knit group weekly because outside of rehearsing the play, the project became extremely helpful and supportive to my recovery process.  I’m finding that with Twin Falls, the feeling of attachment is the same.  I do remember Laura expressing the parallel between the creation and then loss of I Remember Justine to the beginning and end to relationships in the “real world.”  Attachments are absolutely difficult to navigate for anyone.  Having to lose one that meant so much is painful beyond words.  I am learning that it’s imperative to focus and truly experience what is going on now and savor all that I can.

landscape-732367_640And yet, It is hard to focus on the here and now knowing that this will be the last time I work with Laura Wood on a full project.  I Remember Justine changed my life less than a year ago and now Twin Falls has been giving me new perspectives and growth in my current stage in recovery.  I’ve never been able to be a part of something so incredible, ground breaking, and inspiring as these two projects.  I will hold them forever in my heart and will never forget the impact everyone, cast and crew together, has had on my life.  It was hard to say goodbye last November.  It will be even harder to say goodbye this August.

-Rahul M


Post Performance and Why Aviators Help Anxiety

So the opening performance of I Remember Justine has now ended and I am happy to flyer-coverhear that it was taken so well!  We were expecting only half the number of the audience that showed up!   It is truly a blessing to have so much support and love from the community.  Personally, I could not have had a better experience in my recovery than being a part of Laura Wood’s and Dave Mower’s project, Recovery Through Performance.

The few hours leading up to the opening performance was about as large of an anxiety bomb for me than I expected.  Although I was glad we were able to squeeze in a quick (and yes it was comically quick) rehearsal prior to the show, I can tell you from personal experience that all I could hear the entire time leading up to the performance was my heart beating in my chest.  I stood in the twelve or so inches of space behind the curtain “backstage” before the start of the show trying to ground myself.  I know the rest of the amazing cast was doing the same as I looked over to my right at them.  I was handed a live phone call from Angela and it was Dave Mowers who was in a rehearsal over in New York.  He told me to breath and stay aware of the present by touching the wall behind me with my hands.  And most of all, he said how proud he was of us.  I can’t express how much this helped bring a level of peace and tranquility in me just minutes before the show.  I was already sweating and I hadn’t yet run around the stage with Justine yet!

1300466072304When the doors opened at 7:00 pm, I made the decision to not peek through the curtains to see who all  was filing into the audience chairs.  The amount of whispers and low conversations I could overhear were innumerable.  Clearly we were getting a LOT more than 30 individuals to watch the show.  Before I completely lost focus of my body to embody Mateo, I heard a peer whisper in my direction, “…. standing room only.”  HOLY SHIT!  No time to panic!  Laura began speaking to the audience and all I could focus on at that point was the feel of the wall behind me and the lines Mateo would soon be saying.

The lights then dimmed to near pitch black which was our cue to enter the stage.  I slipped on my aviators the second I found the adirondack chairs, sat down, and immediately closed my eyes.  I forbade myself to see how many pairs of eyes were staring back at me and the cast.  I vaguely remember Angela’s monologue at the very beginning and peeking out of my right eye to see whether the rest of the cast had walked off stage which would be my cue to begin my monologue.

And then…. nothing.  Somehow I completely forgot about my anxiety and the words of my lines I have been rehearsing for weeks just spewed out coherently, thankfully.  My eyes were still closed, of course, as they would be nearly 99% of the time the glasses were on my face (the only times I opened them to peek were to make sure I didn’t eat it on the stage when walking towards the edges, and to make sure my peers were out with me at specific times of the play).  The moment of truth then happened at the end of my monologue when I would be forced to leave my aviators behind on the adirondack chairs to become the younger, before-recovery Mateo.  I remember standing up, opening my eyes and spanning the crowd as I walked forward.  “Hoooooooooollllllllyyyyyyyyyyy ssshhhhhhiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt” was all I could think as my head turned from left to right.  I might as well have been in the Colosseum with all of the eyes of Rome directly on me

But then something strange happened which my wife would then discuss with me afterwards.  The rest of the play became a blur and ended within, what seemed to be, a blink of an eye.  I knew exactly what I needed to do at which scene and at what line.  It wasn’t just because we rehearsed for weeks prior to the show.  This felt different.  My wife gave a theory that maybe it was because most of us have been acting a different life than who we truly are almost our entire lives. Acting on stage became second nature; acting became instinctual.  Huh…

For those who didn’t know, I had no idea what was written by the other cast members which Melissa read from the “book of maps – now year book” at the end of the play.  Needless to say, the aviators helped once again as I nearly cried from the immense amount of love and kindness that poured from the words my fellow cast members wrote to me.  The words went straight to my heart where they will be for the entirety of my recovery.

Needless to say, the end of the play was surreal.  I was incredibly grateful to see all the heart-shaped-fluffy-cloudfamily and friends and even complete strangers.  The play was taken so well!  It apparently touched many of the lives that witnessed it!   What an amazing thing to hear! My face could not stop smiling.  We were given flowers and hugs and handshakes galore.  Oh, and yes (humble brag alert), it was a little weird but very flattering to have been asked for an autograph by several audience members.  I will be floating on a cloud for a very long time.

Personally, this project was a game changer.  It was exactly what my recovery needed, especially post-discharge from intensive treatment.  My only wish is to be able to perform this play again and again.  Not because I want this experience to last a life time, which I do, but rather because I believe in the impact the message has on those who witness it.

I cannot say this enough.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.  Thank you Laura, Dave, Laurel, Becka, Mel, Angela, Andrea, Jen, Kristi, Vanessa, Mehlville High School, Castlewood Treatment Center, and all of my chosen family, friends, and complete strangers who came to witness this incredible project. – Rahul (Mateo)

It is not about the Acting, It is about the Recovery

Dear readers,
Yes, I remember Justine, is a performance but it is not about the acting: it is about IMG_0371people who are in recovery coming together to create a play act in to foster growth of their own process: being in their bodies, getting connected to themselves through learning from the characters they play, connecting to each other, and the community at large.
It’s about standing before the community to say this is me taking a risk, doing something new or different that I couldn’t have done if I was deep in my eating disorder.
For all of us involved, we have has moments of fear in this project. I share this video with you, because it speaks to why we must do this show:

I hope you will join us as witnesses.

20 Days Until Showtime! But Who’s Counting?

The cast and crew are busy and excited as we prepare for the big show!  Rehearsals are action packed, and our brains are the-grand-theatrebursting with memorized lines!  This author is truly learning the experience of incorporating recovery processes into theater with intensity and purpose.  There is a sense of value from each others’ input and creativity as we work together to bring to life something this world has never seen before.  Each character is driven with a back story and in depth meaning not just as a whole, but also line by line.  Recovery is a life long journey and is never perfect.  Our work, with the guidance of Laura, Dave, and Laurel, will hopefully inspire many and also show that no one is alone in their recovery.